i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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