My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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