I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
