My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
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Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
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It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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