Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
