You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
