zippers are such a cool invention
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
