took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
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well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
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Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....