Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.