this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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