there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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