I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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