I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize