Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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