Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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