I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize