Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
