Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Randomize
