Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
