My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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