I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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