i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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