my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.