If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
So much Jack, so little girl.
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