Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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