Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
