They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
