the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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