Don't make out with my wife yet
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
