Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
