So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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