I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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