I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
