I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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