I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Randomize
