she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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