If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
