I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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