Redeem this text for a blowjob
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
