it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
