Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
