Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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