my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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