My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
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