And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
