The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
