I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
