she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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