sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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