forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.