How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
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we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
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Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"