Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints