just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
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He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
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I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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