End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
