my phone needs a breathalizer
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
