Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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