yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
You need a sexual gate keeper
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
