I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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