please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
come find me please
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)