you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
